I’m Tired

Dear Friends,

I am tired. Exhausted. Insightful. Smarter.

I am having to go through the exercise of tagging my posts from the past three years. Yes – Jessicabarraco.com is nearly THREE years old! I can’t believe it either. And we’re giving her a facelift before things really start take off with The Butterfly Groove – and life. I want my website to look as prepared as I feel. And now, when you read a blog post you like of mine, you can have a search function that brilliantly shows you other blog posts of mine you might enjoy as well! Yes, my website is becoming polyamorous (for blog posts, of course).

I am tired. Happy. Curious!

The past three years living in NYC has been a whirlwind. Am I where I want to be? Not really. Close, though. I love my job, I am hopeful that my agent will sell my book, I am happy I have a fricking agent. Some friendships are becoming more distanced than I thought they would, and some people are becoming closer to me than I thought we’d be. Sometimes last coffees or lunches have turned into deja-vu because they come back in multiples. Some of my favorite friends from college have resurfaced in my life and prove to me daily that they knew me better than I ever gave them credit for. Truly.

Reading over these posts, I realize that I have spent a lot of the past three years scared, but so profoundly hopeful. I have always had that 60/40 mixture in me and I like to think it’s de-tensified itself over the years. For my last 9 days of being 25 and more, I am working on accepting what I want for myself and not denying it to be true. I want companionship. I want love. I want to find the person who just totally gets me — in and out of bed.

I was reading this book about the female brain and it says that it’s so complicated for women to orgasm (I was about to write “achieve climax” and then threw up in my mouth a little bit so I’ll just be crass instead, after all, I am not 26 YET people). The book claims it is so difficult for women because they have to simultaneously shut their brains off, yet also feel completely safe and sound with someone. To feel that their partners “worship” them. Does God not hear me when I say I want to be a princess in a castle?! I want to be worshipped! By a man. Not a man-boy, not a boy, not a boy-man, not a near 30 crazy ass, confused person. A man. Worshipped by a man. (Got it? Ha). And I want to be with that man, if it’s right, for a very long time. And I want a beautiful diamond from him, like the kind I see at the nail place. You know, like when you’re going to get a light color and then you see this kind of nasty blue color that looks AMAZING with a huge diamond this bitch next to you is sporting, and suddenly you have to have that color. (I am typing to you with blue nails). And then I want a King Charles Cavalier named Hazel or Minnie or Milly. And then eventually, God willing, I want to have babies with this person.

I am trying to de-complicate my life. I am not pushing anything. I am trying my best not to be afraid of the good, the bad, the ugly, the difficult, the predictable.

Albeit super lame, but Taylor Swift says it best: “Drop everything now, meet me in the pourin rain, kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain, cuz I see sparks fly whenever you smile.” I want my life to be like that. With a man. Who worships me. And has the confidence to realize that I’m worth it – we would be worth it – to let the sparks fly a bit and see what transpires. That’s all you can ask for in life – to see what transpires and hope that it’s beautiful. And hope that when you see it, you know it, because you’re ready for it. Life is all about preparedness. I realize my generation likes to be unprepared, that that somehow became trendy, but I think it’s lame. I’m prepared for whatever is to come my way in my 26th year of life, and you know, even numbers are usually better than the odds. We’ll just uh, chalk 25 up to that – those odd numbers. Get ya every time.

Kisses,

Jessica

 

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