Settling

Dear Friends,

Settling. What a loaded word, huh? It used to just mean where your house was, or where you would camp out for the night. And now it means so many things. It means you sold out, you missed good chances, you took what was in front of you instead of waiting for what made you feel alive. I’m afraid I might have done that recently with something I care about more than anything in the world. I hate when people say “hindsight is 20/20.” Sometimes you make the smartest decision you can and it still can seem like settling in hindsight. There’s something I am so afraid of. I call it playing house. I am so scared of playing house with my life. Of “settling” with anything I do and anybody I spend time with or believe in. They call it playing house for a reason – it’s because it’s not your house. It’s a farse. It’s fake. It’s not real.

And the second you let your mind think that you settled, it can just go wild with regret and time where you’ve seen the writing on the wall and oh, shit moments. You think you were in a moment of desperation, or you had lost hope, or your heart just wasn’t beating fast enough so you had to make a choice, and you had to take a risk. Everything in life is a risk. Your kindness, your hair color, your belief in a stranger. I always think will I be walking down the aisle, having an oh shit moment? Will I be pushing out my baby thinking who did I create a child with? Will I be looking at my unsold copies of my book on a shelf in my home on day, thinking that had I just waited for one more publishing offer, or one more editor’s bat of his eye, would I have been a real success? But then again, you can’t wait forever. And sometimes you don’t have choices. I guess you always have a choice, but sometimes even the most negative people want to believe that everything will be okay.  I should know – I am one of them. I am so negative but then again, sometimes I could not have more hope for things that I love.

The irony in all of this, is I do want to settle…down, that is. How do you settle down with settling? Why is that even part of the word? One definition of the word is to “move downwards – dust settles.” That’s depressing. You have to move downward to settle down? I think when people say settling they mean “settle for,” which by definition means “to accept in spite of incomplete satisfaction.” My big question tonight, though, is will I figure out if I’ve settled for something before it’s too late? And is it OK to settle at times? Sometimes I feel like all I do is settle and I just profoundly claim every now and again that I refuse to settle in love.

I don’t want to relive most days of my life thus far, sadly. But one day I wish I could relive is the day I decided I would take the ultimate risk and write a book about my mom. Who I miss every day. Who I wish could be my barometer for settling. She would know if I was settling for something right now, she would. So I’m putting it out there. Am I settling, mom? Am I settling for something when I deserve more, or am I just being 26 and scared?

Someone very smart once told me that confusion doesn’t exist. Confusion is just your mind’s way of not wanting to land on a decision. Not wanting to settle down. Right now, I am not confused – I am disappointed. I feel like no option is a good one. I just want everything to be okay.

Kisses,

Jessica

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