Dear Friends,
I just had my first walking through lower Manhattan meltdown. It was a good one too. For some reason, on a Monday there were tons of people out and everyone seemed to be looking me straight in the eye. All those dark, enigmatic streets you hear about in crime stories dissipated into over-lit scaffolding and well-lit corners. Must have been Guiliani.
I had gotten a goodbye text from someone who should have been superlatively unimportant in my life, but turned out being someone who made a huge impact. This person probably meant well, but just has no f-ing clue what he wants out of life – and what he wanted out of me. And he still doesn’t. He’s a person who thinks my question-asking is over analyzing. He’s a person who evidently doesn’t get me. Me and over analyzing are one in the same. He was the person I finally learned not to let a relationship go too quickly, and also the person who showed me why. Others had just left it a mystery – but he made it crystal-clear. I feel like dating these days is all about attention-getting. Who’s going to miss the other person the most, who’s going to be the coolest with dating around, who’s going to crack first and say, “I think I might like you.” Who’s the weakest, most honest soul? Suddenly it’s not about the brave person who is in touch with their feelings, but about the person who can contain himself the most. The most closed off person “wins.” I refuse to live my life that way. And I’m done having closed off people in it. Mostly, I’m done with being in people’s lives who don’t know what to do with me. Who care about me, but don’t know where or how to place me.
My grandmother has this panic button that she can press if the world gets too scary for her or begins to be hazy. I wish I had one. I wish I could press panic and the paramedics would come solve my problems for me. Instead, all I have is the Empire State Building to gaze up at, and the humid, soggy city to protect me. Will it? I guess I’m ready to say it: I love you New York City, do you feel the same? Are you ready to be in a relationship with me? Don’t text me late at night or say something fleeting when I’m emotionally vulnerable that makes me forget how rough you are with me sometimes. And don’t change our dates for dates with other California girls. Love me back. I hope you do.
Kisses,
Jessica
