Dear Friends,
I am NOT a morning person. In fact, I hate the morning. The worst things happen in the morning. You have to wake yourself up out of your own slumber, and realize that whatever happened the day before is now further away from you, such that you might have to question yourself if it’s actually there anymore. There’s this pathetic song from the 1960’s, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow,” that maps a girl’s inner angst as to whether or not she should sleep with a man. I was thinking about it on the plane ride home last night. I was grimacing at my former blog post I wrote about being “Bitten” in a good way. Two weeks ago my life was different in regards to a man, and no matter what I do or the other person does, it’s almost like on clockwork, you can map when it’s going away. It was true when Carrie Bradshaw said that some relationships have the life of a dairy product – by two weeks, the whole thing starts to curdle and you’ve got to throw it away even though you wanted that raspberry flavor so badly. You’d think by now I’d be older, wiser, smarter. You’d think I wouldn’t fall for the regular tricks the puppies are up to, but I still do and then before I know it, I’m wrapped up. And I say things I don’t mean and I lose sight of what’s actually going on. The questions that mean the most to me – does this person care about my writing? Does he understand me? Is he real, or just trying to get real so that he can really get down with me, suddenly go out the window. I begin to be competitive, and overwhelmed and scared – or maybe they do. But either way you slice it, it’s deception at its worst. I’ve had situations where it’s taken months and long emails for a guy to explain to me what exactly happened but it always comes down to the same thing – it doesn’t work out. This time, it could have been my fault, but it does take two to Tango. Not that I know how to Tango. Please.
I know if my mom were here (and she’d teach me how to Tango,) she’d tell me to appreciate the mornings. That every new dawn is a new way to be positive and change your life. It’s very hard to believe that, but I will. Why? Because what else is there to believe. You wake up every morning and you, and other people around you, have the potential to become brand-new. Brand-new things can happen to you. You can let go of new things. You can float up your wings and forgive yourself, and just like that, you stop wondering what ifs and what may be. You start to believe that if things were going to be, they would be, and that even you don’t have the power to change that. You start to believe again and again, that maybe you just changed your life for the better, like say moved across the country for your career, and that things don’t always have to be fair because life isn’t fair. But most of all, when you finally accept yourself, mistakes and all, and when you take responsibility for those mistakes, there’s absolutely no reason not to be happy. Bug bites happen. Lust happens. But one day, love will happen and there won’t be a damn thing you can do to get in the way of it. By the way, those bites I had, were actually an allergic reaction to a medication – how’s that for irony?
Wishing all of you a lovely summer…
Kisses,
Jessica
